Shutdown
by SocksXMittens
Summary: Rachel's body betrays her and the world she knows and the life she dreamed of crumbles with it.
1. Devastation

Rachel stared at the doctor in shock. She could see his mouth moving, see her father's in her peripheral vision nodding occasionally, but she was no longer tracking the conversation. Severe and unexplainable renal failure. Failure. Her body was failing her. The reason she'd been so tired lately, why she couldn't endure a full ballet class or keep down a meal for the last four weeks, the constant pain in her lower back. All because her kidneys were dying.

"-going to need a transplant as both kidney's production rates are dropping at an alarming speed." Rachel's hearing returned suddenly, startling her. Tears pooled in her dark brown eyes, spilling over and sliding down pale cheeks. Her dad squeezed her hand. She smiled tremulously, very glad to have two parents who adored her.

"Are either of you her biological father?" The doctor's question filled her with horror. Her daddy shook his head silently.

"No, I'm adopted." Rachel's voice sounded strained, cracking on the "adopted". Rachel would be damned if she'd take a kidney from that woman; the same woman who had sent a boy to pretend to care for her. No, absolutely not. She'd rather die.

She thought absently, her mind trying to focus on something else if only briefly, that Noah would call her a drama queen if he had heard that last thought.

"Alright, well your name will go on the transplant list and until such time as a feasible donor is found, Rachel you'll require dialysis two to three times a week, to filter your blood. I'm going to schedule a surgery for next week, we need to remove your right kidney immediately, as it is decreasing in mass as it decomposes, which can cause some serious complications. I'm sorry Rachel, but it needs to be done." Rachel nodded, numb. She was going to lose her kidney. Possibly both, if the left one began to swell as well. She thought about the scars this highly invasive surgery would lead.

She thought about Noah, how they were just getting to the physical stage of their relationship. How she was going to be ugly and disfigured before he'd even seen her shirtless. The tears came harder. Her virginity seemed a stupid thing to be worried about in the face of her failing health, but she had just turned eighteen, sometimes rationality was still difficult to attain under the power of her emotions.

Her daddy pulled her into his arms, trying to find the words to reassure his daughter. But none would come. His princess was very sick. And there wasn't a single thing he or his husband could do to make her well again.

The doctor went on to explain the procedure he'd scheduled for Friday. It would be incredibly invasive, and Rachel would be in the hospital for just under two weeks recovering. After that, it would be months before she could do any serious physical exercise. There went New York and NYADA in the fall. It was already June, Graduation in just a few days, and Rachel would in going under the knife the day she was supposed to walk the stage. The irony of that little gem didn't escape her notice. Instead of being free, she was shackled by her body's betrayal.

Later on, at home, Rachel lay wedged in the corner of her bathroom, crying her eyes out into a towel, trying to hide her disappointment and overwhelming fear from her fathers. They had watched her walk upstairs, neither knowing what to say to wipe the desolate look off their only daughter's face. She'd shut her bedroom door quietly, then escaped to her bathroom and collapsed. She sat gasping and crying for what felt like hours, trying to comprehend how the life she had planned for herself could fall apart in so little time.

Her phone buzzed in her sweater pocket. She reached for it like a lifeline,

"U done yet? What doc say?" Noah's concern set the tears off again. He had wanted to know just as badly as the Berry's why Rachel had been so sick lately. He had even tried to come to the appointment with Rachel, but she'd wanted time to compose herself in case it was bad news. She was glad for her hindsight now, as she had no idea what to tell him.

They're relationship was still new. She didn't think it would hold up under the strain of her illness. They'd only been dating a month, getting together just before she started feeling poorly. A long time for Noah to be with a single person, but he'd seemed okay with it. But knowing the rough road she had ahead of her, and Noah's desperate longing to escape this tiny town, she knew their relationship would crumble under the stress. She loved him. More than anyone she'd ever been with, Finn included. In fact, she'd broken up with Finn when she realized she was picturing Noah while kissing Finn. Every time. What Rachel felt for Noah eclipsed the power of the sun; it overwhelmed her, and was the reason she'd gotten through the last four week without breaking down. He'd been her rock, encouraging her when she felt awful and a handful of times, carrying her home when she was so tired she couldn't walk.

It had been heaven. And it would all end.

It would end now, because her stupid body had failed her. Her kidneys are started to die, from the inside out, for no discernable reason. They just stopped functioning.

Her phone buzzed again.

"Satan says to call her**" **Rachel smiled. Dating Noah had come with the fringe benefit of Santana becoming Rachel's ally and then friend. The girl was blunt, obsessed with sex and foul mouthed, but she was loyal to Noah in a way Rachel would never understand and she knew him inside and out. If Noah did something Rachel didn't get, she went to Santana. The girl was a fountain of information. And dirty jokes. She loved to make Rachel blush. But she'd also punched a jock in the testicles for slushing "Puck's girl" and since then Rachel had been slushie free. Not even Noah had managed that. It seemed having the two most terrifying people at McKinley on your side helped.

But she couldn't bring herself to call either her boyfriend, her new friend or anyone else for that matter. She sent him a quick text saying she'd talk to him tomorrow and to not worry. Then she sat in the corner of her bathroom all night, never moving, until the sun rose the next morning.


	2. Glee Club

Rachel got up slowly, every muscle in her body protesting the uncomfortable position she'd maintained all night. She took a long shower, trying to wash away the events of yesterday. Her mind was blissfully empty, but she didn't know if that was denial or exhaustion. She dressed carefully, wearing Noah's favourite skirt and a white blouse with a dark purple camisole underneath. She curled her hair the way he like it and applied her make-up very carefully, to cover up the damage exhaustion and tears had caused.

She left for school early, sending Noah a text to let him know not to pick her up. She needed a few more moments alone, to compose herself and her thoughts. They had no classes together, and if she could successfully avoid him at lunch, she would only have to tell everyone who mattered once, in Glee practice after school. She didn't think she was strong enough to have to repeat her devastating news more than that.

She was successful, she managed to avoid Noah, Santana, Brittany, Kurt and Blaine, which considering how nosey and persistent those few people were, was quite a feat in her condition. She hid in the AV room during lunch, too nauseous to eat. Artie was in the cafeteria, so no one she knew was there to report her strange location choice. The few people in the room ignored her. Rachel's exhaustion, both because of the lack of sleep last night and her recently discovered illness kept her from moving around too much, so she simply sat against the back wall of the AV equipment room and rested her eyes. And tried to ignore the steady flow of tears down her pale cheeks.

Finally, the final bell rang and it was time for Glee. She walked slowly towards the choir room, hoping to be the last one in to avoid any uncomfortable questions about her lack of visibility today or why she hadn't answered any of the numerous texts she received. She was in luck, when she entered the room, even Mr. Shuester had arrived.

All heads turned towards her, and she only paid attention to one. Green eyes, both hurt and concerned gazed out of the boy slumped in the back corner of the choir room seats. Rachel approached Mr. Shuester, who glanced at her in concern.

"Mr. Shue, there's something I'd like to say to the Glee club, if you'll let me."

"Not another solo, Nationals are over," Quinn complained. She looked away when Santana of all people, glared her down.

"Of course Rachel, just make it quick, I have a new assignment." Rachel nodded sadly, unsure of how to make what she had to say quick.

"I...well, the thing is..."she paused, unsure how to just say her kidneys were failing, and that if she didn't get a transplant on time, there was a slight chance she could die. Not news you just suddenly blurted out.

"Many of you may have noticed that recently, I have been underperforming. I know I haven't been giving my social commitments as much effort as usual and its shown." She heard mutterings, "get on with it," and "it's all about her isn't it" and she had to take a deep breath and remember that she did have friends in the club, she wasn't despised anymore. She looked up at Noah, noticed she had his full attention and that gave her the courage to continue.

"I'm sick. I mean...well, yes I guess the best way to say this is I'm sick. My kidneys are dying. I'm going into the final stages of renal failure." There was silence in the choir room. "I...I just wanted to let you all know, as I'm not going to be walking the stage with you Friday. I'll be in surgery, getting one of my...one of my..." she lost control, the dam breaking and her voice failing. Tears slipped down her cheeks as she stood in front of her precious Glee club. Santana and Brittany stood up and rushed over to enfold her in a tight hug.

The room erupted in chaos. People were asking questions, making demands, generally just making noise. They silenced abruptly when Puck's chair slammed against the back wall. He stood up, stormed down the steps and...out of the room. Rachel watched with devastated eyes as Puck stormed past her without a word. He didn't even look at her. She buried her head in Santana's shoulder, her tears turning to sobs as her worst fears were confirmed.

He wanted nothing to do with her.

Eventually, she calmed down enough to answer questions her fellow Gleeks had for her.

Yes, it was serious.

Yes, she could die.

Yes, she needed a transplant.

No, she wasn't going to ask Shelby.

Yes, they could visit her in the hospital.

No, Lord Tubbington couldn't steal a kidney for her.

No, she wouldn't be leaving for New York in the fall.

That last answer lead to a moment of silence in the Glee club, as everyone tried to process the fact that Rachel Berry would not be achieving her dream. At least not for a while.

Finn rested his hand on her should briefly. She looked up at him. He nodded his head towards the door.

"I'll go find Puck. He shouldn't have...well, he should be here." Her ex-boyfriend lumbered out of the room, leaving Rachel hoping he could talk her wayward boyfriend back. She doubted it.

"Can we get tested? Isn't there a way to see if any of us are viable candidates for donating a kidney?" Santana asked, her tone fierce. Rachel loved in her that moment, Santana was a true friend. Surprising as that was.

"Yeah, there has to be a way to check." Kurt chimed in. Around her, the Gleeks all nodded and voiced their willingness to donate. Tears filled Rachel's eyes again; this time in gratitude and appreciation. These people were her family. She loved them, and they loved her, enough to donate a body part.

"I can't let you guys do that," Rachel's voice was firm. Santana reared back in disbelief.

"Why the fuck not? You need a kidney, we've got extra." Rachel saw the hurt in Santana's eyes.

"Because, if you only had one kidney and it got damaged in the future, you would end up in the same position as me, on a long waiting list, sick and dying. Besides, it's a long and painful process, it's not like losing your wisdom teeth. It could take weeks, or months to fully recover and you all have demands being made on you in the near future! I won't do that to any of you!" Rachel was absolute in her rejection of this plan. No one she loved would suffer because her body was weak. She refused.

"Well tough shit midget. We don't need your permission to get tested. And you can damn well bet, if any of us are a match, you won't be able to refuse us. We'll make you accept it!" Santana was pissed off, and scared. This made her a force to be reckoned with. She took Rachel by the shoulders and shook her. "We love you. If one of us has the power to help you, you can make damn sure we're going to do it. And you're going to take it!" The absolute resolution in Santana's voice robbed Rachel of speech, not an easy thing to do. She just nodded. The Gleeks pulled her into a tight group hug.

"You'll get through this, Rach, we'll make sure of it." All around her, people were nodding and crying.

Now if only Noah would come back.

To be continued


	3. Puck and Finn

Shutdown Chapter 3:

Finn found Puck in the weight room, pounding a punching bag with his bare hands. Finn could read the anger radiating from his body, but also the desperation. He walked over to hold the bag. Puck didn't stop or even look at him.

"You know, when you starting dating Rachel, I thought there was no way you two were going to work. I thought I knew you, knew her, well enough to think that. I figured you'd give up at the first bit of Rachel Berry crazy! That you liked being popular and feared more than you liked her. That you wouldn't be able to be with one girl, especially a girl like Rachel." Puck pounded the bag harder at Finn's words; it was like Finn had reached into his brain and pulled all of insecurities into the daylight. "But, seeing you with her, seeing you two together this past month, I thought maybe I was wrong. Maybe you guys would make it."Finn paused; sure what he said next would turn Puck's rage from the bag onto him. "What you pulled back there in Glee, walking out on her, dude, that's the Puck I expected." Puck stopped suddenly, his form going limp.

"She told me everything was ok. I asked her how it went...she lied to me. I've been so fucking worried these past couple a weeks...and she lied to me. I left her alone last night, thinking she was ok. 'Cause she told me she was ok." Puck's voice was tight with anger and disbelief. "I woulda been over there so fast, if she'd just told me. I just...can't, Finn." Finally, Puck sounded defeated. "She didn't trust me with this." He swung back towards the bag, his rage reigniting.

"Why would she?" He growled out, punching the bag viciously. "Everyone knows I don't like commitment, don't like being tied down. She probably thought I'd jump ship cause she's sick." Puck couldn't take it anymore. He collapsed against the bag, breathing hard. He was in agony, because Rachel was the best thing to ever happen to him, and she didn't trust him to stick by her.

"Then prove her wrong, man." Puck looked up at Finn in surprise.

"What?"

"Prove her wrong. Show her she can trust you. If you still wanna be with her, show her." Puck nodded, slowly.

"I still wanna be with her. She's the only girl I wanna be with. But how?" Telling Rachel wouldn't work, she was way too insecure about their relationship. Especially in light of Puck's recent walk-out. Hell, by now she'd probably convinced herself that this was his way of dumping her.

Fuck.

"She's not gonna believe me if I just say it." Finn nodded, he more than anyone else knew about Rachel's insecurities.

"Do it by sticking by her. Walk back into that room and refuse to leave again. Eventually, she'll believe you." Yeah, Puck thought, that just might work. "Tell her how you feel, all the time. Let her know she's important. Show her she's important. She'll need all the support she can get coming up. She'll need more than us Gleeks. She'll need you."

"When did you get so fucking smart?" Puck joked. Finn just laughed and shrugged.

"Dunno, when did you get so dumb?" The two wrestled around for a minute, blowing off some steam. Finally, Puck pulled away, straightening his shirt. He nodded at Finn and headed back to the choir room.

He had some grovelling to do.


	4. Loyalty

Shutdown Chapter 4:

When Puck walked back into the choir room, it was to find Rachel sitting on one of the red chairs against the back wall with Santana and Brittany crouched in front of her. The three of them were talking quietly...well Santana and Brittany were talking, Rachel just sat there crying silently, occasionally nodding. When she spotted him, the dread that spilled across her face made his heart stop. Santana looked over here shoulder to see what Rachel was staring at, anger flushing her face at the sight of him.

SLAP!

Puck turned his head back towards the Latina, once again surprised how fast she could move. She started screaming at him in Spanish, which Puck was glad for once, that he didn't understand a word of. Her angry tone and forceful gestures communicated her message just fine.

"Santana, enough. You know that's not true." Rachel however, spoke fluent Spanish. She rose slowly from her chair, her tired body making the trek across the choir room seem endless. She placed a hand gently on Santana's arm. The Latina glanced down at the smaller brunette. Then she turned back to Puck.

"Do not, I repeat, do NOT fuck this up, Puckerman! Or I will hunt you down and spoon feed you what's left of your balls after I eviscerate them!" Puck swallowed, cringing internally. Sure, Satan might be his best friend besides Finn, but she got fucking nasty when one of her girls got hurt. He remembered her revenge on Azimo for calling Brittany stupid back in Seventh grade, the other football jocks still teased him for only having one testicle. He wasn't even gonna pretend to take her on.

"I won't." She stared into his eyes for a long minute. Puck stared back. Finally, she nodded.

"She's all yours. Berry, we'll be outside if you need us." Santana hugged Rachel, grabbed Brittany and marched out of the choir room.

Once alone, Rachel and Puck just looked at each other. Puck, who had never been one for the softer emotions or for expressing them, was tongue-tied. Rachel didn't have the strength to say goodbye. She dropped her gaze to the floor, shoulders slumping.

"You're an idiot." Rachel's head shot up, disbelief written all over her face.

"I beg your pardon?" Her voice was high and shrill. Puck winced.

"For not telling me last night. You're an idiot." Puck realized this probably wasn't the best way to go about it, but fuck it, it was his way, and it had worked pretty good so far.

"Noah...I..." Rachel didn't know how to explain her behaviour last night.

"I get it. You were upset. Fuck Rach, you had to be fucking devastated."

"Language, Noah." He laughed, that was pure Rachel Berry right there. The world could be ending, and she still be correcting him if he cursed.

"But I shoulda been the first person you called. I coulda helped."

"How?" Rachel just lost it. "How would you have helped me, Noah Puckerman? Everything I've done, my entire life, all the dreams I've had, are impossible now. How would you have helped me?" She was screaming at him, hysterical tears working their way down her flushed cheeks. Her small body was shaking, the stress of the last few weeks, culminating in yesterdays news finally catching up with her emotionally.

Puck surged forward, cradling her to his broad chest. He wrapped one arm around her lower back, the other held her head gently against his heart. She beat at his chest, trying to push herself away.

Eventually she calmed down. Without releasing her fragile body, Puck pulled her into his lap on one of the hard, plastic chairs. He buried his face in her hair. Rachel continued to shudder softly in his lap, hiccupping occasionally.

"By doing this, Rach. Just by doing this," Puck mumbled gently in her ear. He rocked her back and forth gently, humming Sweet Caroline under his breath. Rachel sobbed out a laugh.

"I'm not going anywhere. Just so you know. You're my girl, Rach, and nothing's gonna change that. You being sick just means New York's gonna have to do without us a little longer. We'll get there, just not as soon as planned." Rachel pulled back to look up at him in wonder.

"You mean...?" She almost didn't dare ask.

"It's you and me babe, against the world. In this case, it's you and me against your kidneys." Rachel laughed. She leaned up and Puck tilted his head down, their lips meeting in an Earth shattering kiss.

"So no more doubting me, or not telling me shit, k?" Rachel nodded, speechless, both from the kiss and from Noah's support. Maybe this wouldn't be as terrible as she thought it would be. Not with him by her side.

"I just got you back where you belong, no failing body parts are gonna keep us apart." Puck felt like he's sprouted a vagina the size of Oprah, but his girl needed to hear this shit, so he'd say it even if he sounded like a complete girl doing it. Fuck, he could hear Santana making the "whipped" noise in his head.

"So, babe, details. How can we fix this shit?"

"Can you grab Santana and Brittany? I know they're eavesdropping anyways." She raised her voice on the last bit, and the door to the choir room opened, proving her theory correct. The two cheerleaders didn't even look embarrassed at being caught.

"You two are shameless," Rachel laughed.

"And hot. Don't forget hot!" Santana chimed in. Brittany clapped, happy to see Rachel sitting on Puck's lap.

"Yay, Puckleberry united again!" Brittany high fived Puck and kissed Rachel on the cheek before settling next to Santana.

Rachel explained to them the reason her kidneys were failing quickly, her having to be put on the donor list, the dialysis, everything. She left nothing out. Besides Kurt, these people were her closest friends...surprising as that fact was. They sat patiently, listening to every word, occasionally interjecting with questions, but mostly just letting her get it all out. Rachel cried again, Brittany along with her, but Santana and Puck managed to settle them both and keep the information flowing. An hour passed, and finally, Rachel was done explaining her new future and all of the consequences that came with it.

There was a moment of silence in the choir room.

"I guess I'd better start working on positions that don't put pressure on your stitches, hey?" Puck's voice broke that silence in true Puckerman style. Santana snickered when Rachel turned bright red.

"Noah!"


End file.
